Why Eldest Daughters Struggle with Self-Care in Filipino Families
In Filipino households, the eldest daughter, or Ate, is often viewed as the pillar of the family. She’s the one who helps raise younger siblings, supports her parents, and often makes sacrifices for the greater good of her loved ones. But what happens when all that giving comes at the expense of her own well-being? For many eldest daughters, the idea of prioritizing themselves feels impossible—something almost selfish.
The Weight of Expectations: Why Self-Sacrifice Feels Normal
In Filipino culture, self-sacrifice is deeply embedded in values like utang na loob—the duty to repay those who have helped you. This principle is noble, but for the Ate, it often manifests as an unrelenting sense of responsibility to give back to her family, no matter the cost.
For many eldest daughters, their parents’ sacrifices—whether it’s migrating to another country, working long hours, or sending money back to the Philippines—become a weight they feel they must carry. “They gave up everything,” the Ate often tells herself. “This is how I repay them.”
These thoughts, while rooted in gratitude, can lead to feelings of guilt and self-doubt. “I’m failing as a sister and daughter,” “I’m being selfish,” or “I don’t deserve their love if I put myself first” are common refrains that echo in the minds of eldest daughters. But as Maxine Soriano, a Filipina therapist, points out, these beliefs are not truths—they’re patterns we’ve been taught.
The Cost of Never Saying “No”
It’s common for Ates to feel anxiety when setting boundaries or asking for help. Small actions like saying “no” or expressing a need for space can feel like massive betrayals. This stems from a fear of disappointing others, which is often tied to unmet emotional needs.
“As Ates, we apologize for asking for help. We feel it’s our role to give and give,” says Maxine. “But these behaviors often point to deeper issues, like feeling undeserving of care or struggling to recognize our own worth.”
Many eldest daughters grow up believing their value is tied to how much they sacrifice for others. But this mindset can lead to burnout, resentment, and even a loss of identity. Who are you beyond the caretaker role? What happens when you’re no longer able to meet everyone’s expectations? These are questions that Ates rarely get the chance to explore.
Finding the Strength to Prioritize Yourself
The journey toward self-care begins with small but powerful steps. Maxine Soriano emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with your inner self. “There’s a little girl inside of you who also has needs,” she says. “Ask her, ‘How can I take care of you?’”
This approach invites Ates to honor their feelings of guilt and anxiety, not as burdens but as signals that their emotional needs deserve attention. Through techniques like parts work therapy, Maxine helps eldest daughters validate these emotions and reframe their understanding of self-worth.
Redefining Self-Care for the Ate
For Ates, self-care doesn’t have to mean abandoning their responsibilities. Instead, it’s about creating a balance that allows them to pour into themselves as much as they pour into others. This could mean:
Setting Boundaries: Learning to say “no” without guilt and recognizing that boundaries are a form of love—for yourself and others.
Asking for Help: Understanding that seeking support isn’t weakness; it’s an acknowledgment of your humanity.
Practicing Radical Self-Love: Embracing the idea that your worth isn’t tied to your sacrifices but to who you are.
These steps may feel uncomfortable at first, but they’re vital for maintaining emotional and mental health. “It’s okay to take care of yourself,” Maxine reminds us. “You cannot give from an empty cup.”
A Message for the Ate
Being the eldest daughter is both a privilege and a challenge. The love and care you give to your family are beautiful, but they shouldn’t come at the expense of your own well-being. As Maxine Soriano says, “You deserve the same care and compassion you give so freely to others.”
So, Ate, ask yourself: What do you need today? How can you honor the little girl inside you who has always been there, waiting to be cared for? It’s time to take care of you—not out of selfishness, but out of love.
If this resonates with you, Sweet Mango Therapy offers a supportive space for Ates to explore their feelings and embrace self-care. You’re not alone in this journey.