Does Self-Love Exist for Filipinos?
Being Filipino means a lot of things–and sacrifice is one of our collective traits as a people.
The idea of utang na loob, or “debt of gratitude,” is a deep-seated notion in the Filipino psyche. Children are brought up with the notion of giving back to their parents. Career choices are made not to exercise natural strengths or pursue passions. Instead, the more practical choice is made to sustain one’s family: to support parents in their old age and help the younger siblings in their schooling.
An older child doesn’t even have to be a breadwinner to achieve all of this. In an essay published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer, here’s how Nicholas Wayne Ompoc described his experience:
“I wanted to continue to graduate school for further studies, but I had to give up that dream because I needed to start working for my family. I wanted to start my own business and go into investments, but I don’t have much savings since my earnings are mostly spent on my family’s needs. I wanted to celebrate my small wins, but I decided to save the money for more important things. I chose not to commit to any relationship because I have to focus on my career at this time, for my family’s sake. I feel I will have to sacrifice a lot more things in order to make my family’s dreams come true, and it is a very heavy responsibility.
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Why is freedom of choice limited to familial responsibilities–and why do they have to come at the expense of our future and even our well-being?
The promise of “better”
One of the biggest expectations the older generation places upon their children is the assurance of a “better” and more financially-stable life. Other than sacrificing their dreams and passions, many resort to becoming immigrants or Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) to sustain their families. To date, around 1.83 million Filipinos are deployed overseas, where there are more career opportunities and salaries are more lucrative. Remittances being sent to the Philippines also account for the growth in the local economy.
Sadly, OFWs face the risks and trauma of being away from their families, experiencing racism, and even working with abusive employers–so much so, that they’re considered modern-day heroes. But is the promise of “better” always worth it, especially if all these other factors are at play?
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Dealing with the here and now
Your family and society, in general, may applaud you for being considerate and responsible–but if you’re actually not able to live your life, you’re not exercising the same for yourself. Self-care must be included in the equation.
There is a difference between giving out of obligation and giving out of one’s personal choice–and you’ll need to figure out where you are between those two. In addition, owning that decision is something you’ll need to ponder on and discover for yourself–and it involves setting boundaries to your time, resources, and headspace.
You’ll also need to find out who else in your family can help you. Shouldering everything can and will end up making others complacent and refuse to be accountable for their actions. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to let people hit rock bottom before they start doing something about it–and in the process, discover that they’re stronger and more competent than they realize.
Photo from Unsplash
Lastly, it’s okay to take time for yourself. Find what works for you, and speak to a mental health professional if things get too overwhelming. Give yourself a break, or don’t forget to treat yourself.
Dealing with deep-seated family and cultural issues can be quite a challenge—but inviting your loved ones to heartfelt and honest conversations will help lessen your emotional burden.