Breaking the Cycle: How Therapy Can Help Unpack the Double Standards of Filipino Parents

Filipino families are known for their warmth, tight-knit connections, and shared values. But while these familial bonds are a source of strength, they can also carry deep-seated challenges. From double standards to unspoken expectations, many Filipino children grow up navigating a labyrinth of cultural pressures rooted in generations of tradition.

How do we reconcile our love for family with the weight of these expectations? How can therapy help us break cycles of shame, guilt, and obligation while maintaining our cultural identity?

The Double Standards of Filipino Parents

Filipino parents often set the tone for their children’s lives, instilling values like respect for elders, perseverance, and sacrifice. But beneath these teachings, many children experience mixed messages. Parents may demand excellence yet fail to provide emotional validation. They may emphasize family unity while imposing double standards that silence individuality.

This dynamic is especially common among Filipino immigrants raising children in Western cultures. The clash between traditional values and modern ideals adds another layer of complexity to family relationships.

Narcissism and Conditional Love

One striking example is the conditional love some Filipino parents project. Success is often celebrated as a reflection of the family’s reputation, while failure is treated as a personal flaw—one that shames not just the child but the entire family. This dynamic breeds a sense of conditional worth:

If you succeed, it’s their success.
If you fail, it’s your fault.

This form of narcissism can lead to internal struggles, as children grapple with finding their own identity in a culture where achievement and failure are inseparably tied to family. Therapy can help individuals unpack these layers, offering tools to redefine self-worth that isn’t anchored in external validation.

Food, Love, and Body Shaming

In Filipino culture, food is love. “Kain na!” (Let’s eat!) is one of the most common expressions of care. Yet, food can also become a source of shame. Children are often told, “Ang taba mo” (You’re fat) or urged to “mag-diet ka na” (go on a diet), regardless of their health.

This contradiction fosters an unhealthy relationship with food and body image. How can someone enjoy meals as an act of love while feeling judged for their appearance? Therapy offers a space to explore these conflicting messages, helping individuals navigate self-acceptance and find balance in their relationship with food.

The Weight of Utang na Loob

Utang na loob, or the deep sense of gratitude and obligation, is a cornerstone of Filipino culture. It teaches children to repay those who’ve helped them—especially parents who sacrificed for their upbringing.

While this value stems from love and gratitude, it can also feel like a heavy burden. Many Filipino children feel pressured to follow their parents’ expectations for career or life choices, simply because of a perceived “debt.” This can stifle individuality and lead to resentment.

Therapy provides a platform to explore these emotions, helping individuals set boundaries and honor their parents’ sacrifices without losing sight of their own dreams.

Bahala Na: Resilience or Avoidance?

“Bahala na” (come what may) is a phrase rooted in resilience. It reflects the Filipino spirit of facing challenges with trust that things will work out. However, it can also serve as an excuse to avoid addressing deeper issues.

Parents often use “bahala na” as a coping mechanism, sweeping problems under the rug with the sentiment that “it is what it is.” While resilience is commendable, therapy challenges individuals to ask: At what point does resilience turn into avoidance?

By addressing these patterns, therapy can empower individuals to face their struggles head-on while fostering healthier ways to cope.

Hiya: The Shame That Silences Us

Hiya, or shame, is another cultural concept that shapes Filipino family dynamics. Many parents avoid discussing problems out of fear of hiya. Meanwhile, children who speak up are often labeled “walang hiya” (shameless), further discouraging open communication.

This cycle of silence prevents healing and perpetuates emotional repression. Therapy helps break the stigma surrounding vulnerability, encouraging individuals to express their true feelings without fear of judgment.

Healing Through Therapy

The challenges of growing up in a Filipino family can feel isolating, but they’re not impossible to overcome. Gabe Corpus, a licensed clinical psychologist and a second-generation Filipino, understands these struggles firsthand. His work focuses on helping others navigate the pressure of family expectations and cultural identity.

Similarly, Nook Basto, a licensed clinical social worker and Laotian American refugee, brings a unique perspective to the healing process. Her journey of navigating identity and belonging inspires others to find their place in the world.

Both professionals at Sweet Mango Therapy Group offer tools and guidance to help individuals unpack their experiences, heal emotional wounds, and rebuild their sense of self.