The Silent Struggles of being the Bunso in Filipino Families
By One Down, in partnership with Weaving Stories Therapy
Being the youngest in a Filipino family, aka the bunso, often looks like “privilege” from the outside. You’re the “baby” of the family, the one people assume had it easiest. But many bunso will tell you the reality comes with its own kind of invisible labor.
Growing Up in the Background
Instead of being carefree, many bunso spend childhood quietly observing the chaos around them. They soak up the tension and the unspoken struggles of their parents and siblings. Over time, they become what psychologists call “emotional sponges,” absorbing more than they are ever allowed to express.
For many, this silence was mistaken as obedience or respect. The youngest often learned early on to keep opinions to themselves, to anticipate needs without asking questions, and to defer to older siblings no matter the cost. What looked like harmony was often survival, and as they grew up, survival blurred into self-erasure.
The Weight of Staying Behind
The guilt of being bunso often comes from what isn’t said. While older siblings are expected to build lives of their own, the youngest may feel tethered to home—caring for aging parents, maintaining harmony, or simply being “the one who stayed.”
What looks like devotion often masks a sense of duty that can feel inescapable. For many, it isn’t the freedom to grow but the responsibility to remain. This isn’t just household responsibility: it’s emotional labor.
Culture, Gender, and Hidden Pressure
Cultural values like utang na loob (debt of gratitude) and pakikisama (getting along) reinforce the bunso’s silence. These values can deepen family bonds, but they also make it harder to voice needs or set limits.
Youngest daughters are especially vulnerable to this pressure, often expected to serve as the default caregivers for aging parents. Yet sons feel it too. Across families, the expectation of loyalty and service falls unevenly, a phenomenon psychologists describe as familial role asymmetry. This is when caregiving, peacekeeping, and emotional support are placed disproportionately on one sibling, while others move more freely.
What It Does to the Bunso
Over time, these expectations seep into identity. Many youngest children grow up questioning whether their worth lies only in being useful, rather than being known. Some describe feeling invisible; others wrestle with guilt at the thought of pursuing independence.
Even moments of joy, like preparing to leave home, can be shadowed by the weight of obligation. The guilt that arises is often misunderstood as disloyalty, when in reality it reflects how deeply the bunso loves and cares for their family. The challenge becomes learning how to honor that love without erasing themselves.
Breaking the Silence
The narrative of the bunso is rarely given the same attention as that of the eldest child. Yet recognition matters. Without it, the youngest remain cast in roles that obscure their struggles, seen as carefree, when in truth they often carry a different kind of weight.
Therapists emphasize that being bunso does not mean being stuck. With support, youngest siblings can reclaim their voices, set boundaries, and begin to experience love as something chosen rather than owed. Healing means learning that care is strongest when it flows both ways, nurturing family but also nurturing the self.
Therapy as a Space for Healing
Monica Ramil, licensed therapist and founder of Weaving Stories Therapy, understands this firsthand, not just as a clinician, but as a bunso herself! Her practice helps Filipino clients untangle guilt from love and reclaim their space to grow.
If you’ve ever felt like being the bunso meant carrying more than your share, know this: you’re not alone, and you deserve care that doesn’t erase your needs.
👉 Book a free 20-minute consult at Weaving Stories Therapy: What to Expect from Your Consultation Call
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