Growing up gay in a Filipino household is a unique journey. It’s a complex intersection of identity, culture, and familial expectations—one that often feels isolating, confusing, and, at times, heartbreaking. For many Filipino-Americans, where traditional values dominate and religion plays a significant role, being gay means navigating a world that doesn’t feel built to embrace who you truly are.

From whispered expectations of masculinity to the silent judgment of extended family, the struggle to reconcile one’s authentic self with cultural norms can feel like an insurmountable obstacle. But the journey of self-acceptance is one that deserves to be told.

"I Grew Up with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell"

Many Filipino-Americans grow up in military families, and for those who are gay, this presents additional layers of silence and secrecy. Policies like "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" weren’t just about military service—they reinforced a culture of hiding, of not being allowed to exist openly. These rules weren’t confined to the barracks; they seeped into family dynamics, shaping how children were raised to navigate their identities.

During a time when gay marriage wasn’t legal and LGBTQ+ representation was scarce, the world felt particularly unkind. Dreams, relationships, and the mere act of existing authentically had to be kept in the shadows. Living with "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" wasn’t just a military policy—it became a way of life.

The Weight of Family Expectations

In Filipino culture, family is everything. But with that closeness comes the heavy weight of expectations. Parents often want their children to excel in school, pursue stable careers, and uphold the family’s reputation. For someone growing up gay, the fear of bringing shame to the family looms large.

“I didn’t want to embarrass my family for being gay,” is a sentiment that resonates deeply with many queer Filipino-Americans. Familial judgment can feel relentless, even in areas unrelated to sexuality, such as academic performance or career choices. Adding queerness to the mix feels like one more reason to disappoint. The pressure to conform to heteronormative ideals—marrying, having children, and carrying on the family name—can lead to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

Religion and the Search for Acceptance

Religion holds a significant place in many Filipino households. Whether it’s weekly Mass, rosaries, or religious holidays, Catholicism is often intertwined with family life. For LGBTQ+ individuals, this presents a challenge: how do you reconcile your identity with a faith that, for many, doesn’t accept you?“

The religion I grew up with didn’t accept who I was,” is a heartbreaking reality for countless queer Filipinos. It’s not uncommon to feel like you need to "fix" yourself or seek forgiveness for simply being who you are. For queer youth, this can lead to internalized shame and a deep longing for acceptance—not just from family, but from a higher power.

The Absence of Role Models

Representation matters. For many queer Filipino-Americans, growing up gay meant growing up without role models who looked like them or shared their cultural experiences. “I grew up without gay role models,” is a sentiment that underscores the loneliness of the journey. The only time LGBTQ+ individuals were seen in Filipino media was often as entertainers or comedic characters—not as complex, fully realized people.

This lack of representation perpetuates the idea that being queer is something to be hidden or laughed at, rather than celebrated. It’s a stark reminder of the importance of visibility and the power of seeing yourself reflected in the world around you.

Building a Future of Understanding

As isolating as the journey may feel, there is hope. Organizations like Sweet Mango Therapy, which focus on the experiences of queer Filipino-Americans, are working to create spaces of understanding and healing. Founder Leo of One Down shares, "Part of building One Down was making sure we tell the stories that our younger selves would have wanted to hear.”

For many, therapy has been a path toward self-acceptance, but finding a therapist who understands the intersection of queerness and Filipino culture can be difficult. Sweet Mango Therapy bridges that gap, providing culturally informed care to those navigating these unique challenges.

As Nikki Abeleda, a Queer Filipinx therapist, explains, “I know how challenging it can be to navigate mental health and identity in spaces that don’t always understand our experiences." Her work reminds us that healing is possible—and that no one has to face these struggles alone.

Moving Forward Together

The experience of growing up gay in a Filipino household is one of resilience. It’s about finding strength in the face of cultural and familial expectations, learning to love yourself despite the messages you may have received, and building a community that uplifts and affirms you.

For those still on their journey, know this: you are not alone. Resources like Sweet Mango Therapy exist to help you navigate the complexities of your identity while honoring your cultural roots. And for those who’ve found their way, sharing your story is a powerful act of visibility—one that may inspire others to embrace who they are, unapologetically.

If you’re looking for support, Sweet Mango Therapy offers free 15-minute consultations to help you take the first step toward healing. Visit https://bit.ly/sweetmangotherapychat to book your appointment because no one should have to navigate this journey alone.