Filipina Daughters Are Carrying Emotional Burdens They Can’t Talk About

By Leo Albea & One Down

Loving someone shouldn’t feel like a responsibility, but for many Filipinas, it does.

From a young age, we’re expected to be selfless, accommodating, quiet. We’re praised for staying out of trouble, for helping our families, for not asking for too much. Over time, that shapes how we understand love, not as something reciprocal or nourishing, but as something we earn through obedience, sacrifice, or performance.

This isn’t random. It’s cultural, and often gendered.

And for many, it becomes a cycle of emotional labor that carries into adulthood, where we confuse care with control, and burnout with being a “good” partner.

For Many Filipinas, Love = Sacrifice
According to researchers, this leads to a pattern where affection is measured by achievement or obedience, not intimacy or care[1][2]. Children grow up interpreting love as labor—especially eldest daughters, who often become caregivers, translators, mediators, or emotional anchors within the family[1][4].

This sense of utang na loob, or indebtedness to our parents, shapes our self-worth. We tie love to what we can give, and guilt to anything we try to keep for ourselves. Personal boundaries start to feel selfish. Rest feels undeserved. Even receiving love can feel uncomfortable, because we’re so used to giving it away.

What Emotional Labor Looks Like in Relationships
These dynamics don’t disappear when we leave home. They follow us into how we love:

• We say sorry even when we’re not at fault

• We downplay our needs to avoid seeming maarte

• We put others first to prove we’re “not like that”

• We confuse patience with compatibility

Therapists call this chronic emotional labor, the invisible, exhausting effort of managing other people’s feelings at the expense of your own[3][4].

A Therapist Who Understands
That’s why Monica Ramil, a licensed therapist and founder of Weaving Stories Therapy, opened one of the first private practices in California dedicated to the Filipino community.

As a Filipina daughter herself, Monica understands what it’s like to grow up believing that silence equals respect, that duty equals love, and that asking for help makes you weak.

Her practice helps clients unpack cultural guilt, reset boundaries, and begin to trust that love doesn’t have to feel like a burden. That it can feel like care—mutual, chosen, and safe.

What Therapy Can Actually Help With
It’s not about fixing yourself, it’s about finally feeling heard.

Therapy helps clients:

• Understand how family dynamics shaped their view of love

• Navigate guilt and boundary-setting

• Rebalance emotional labor in relationships

• Process how culture and identity affect connection

And unlike most therapy platforms, you don’t have to explain your background first. Monica gets it—because she’s lived it too. That’s what you’ll find at Weaving Stories Therapy.

If You Grew Up Feeling Like This…
You’re not being dramatic.

You’re not ungrateful.

And you’re not alone.

You don’t have to choose between love and yourself—you deserve both.

If you’re ready to talk:

• Based in California

• Free 20-minute consultations available

• Individual or couples therapy for those unlearning guilt, burnout, or people-pleasing
  👉 Book your free consult today

Sources
[1] https://digitalrepository.unm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1002&context=ugresearchaward_2025

[2] https://www.ideals.illinois.edu/items/26567/bitstreams/90829/data.pdf

[3] https://eggshelltherapy.com/second-generation-immigrant/

[4] https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2023/10/102723-chemmanoor-immigrant-dreams-burdens